Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Helpline

• If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, have someone press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
• If you have a panic attack, press all the buttons at once.
• If you are a paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little oice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.